I blew my ass out in Walmart!

I went grocery shopping this weekend, which in hindsight may not
have been very wise. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and
consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely going
toSHIT yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being
>> painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you
eat
>> the next day both of your ass cheeks WILL fall off.
>> Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two
cups
>> of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No
>> "Watson's Movement 2".
>> Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal
tract,
>> I appeared to be unable
>> to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door
>> neighbors as thunder and lightning.
>>
>> Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just
when,
>> I bravely set off for the Wal-Mart grocery store for some tasty
>> breakfast and lunch tidbits.
>>
>> Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a
cart
>> and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It
wasn't
>> until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that
the
>> pain hit me. Oh, don't act like you don't know what I'm talking
about.

>> I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to
hit
us
>> at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

>>
>> The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a
revolt.

>> In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
>> intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before
I
>> could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would
bring
>> sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

>>
>> There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly
enveloped
>> in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been
recorded.

I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape
me.
>> Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of
my
>> body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an
elderly
>> woman turned into it.
>>
>> I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her
reaction
>> would be to the invisible but odorous cloud that refused to
dissipate,

>> as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two
>> different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure
some
>> of you at least will be able to relate.
>>
>> I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as
she
>> walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of
odor
so
>> terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and
running,
>> was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as
though
>> trying to ward off angry bees.

This, of course, made me feel
terrible,
>> but then made me laugh. Mistake.
>>
>> Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped
>> down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive
issue
>> burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing
that I
>> was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that
>> someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
>>
>> Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced
off
>> through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the
whole
>> way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took
>> place.

>>
>> Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john,
began
>> the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because
my
>> ass is burning SO BAD, purging.

One poor fellow walked in while I
was
>> in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe".


He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, "Son-of-a-bitch!", then quickly
left.


>> Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled
cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee
approached
>> me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes.

It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.

The
manager
>> is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which
ought
to
>> take care of the problem."
>>
>> That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape
me.
>> The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to
cover
>> his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S
YOU!",
>> then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was
>> unceremoniously
>> escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
>>
>> Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing
to
>> eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day
I
>> went to shop at Kroger's. I can't say anymore about that because we
are
>> in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to
have
to
>> repaint the store.

Now that is some funny shit right there lol.

yep..that was funny..I can almost picture that.